Pride

¹⁸ Pride goes before destruction, 
      and haughtiness before a fall. - Proverbs 16:18 (NLT)

I had a major "ah hah" moment this week. Well, make that an "oh, ugh" moment.  You just don't say to your self "Ah hah!" when you realize that you're plagued with a bad case of pride.  I allowed my pride to not only ruin a moment, but taint a whole week of pleasantness and cordiality.

That's what pride does. It ruins things. And it waylays the "servant" attitude that I am supposed to have.

Let me back up and explain.

I spent most of my week down in Indian Wells working with one of my bosses (I have three, don'tcha know). But, since I stay at her home and spend a great deal of time with her, it's not your typical boss/employee relationship. In fact, I believe it is steadily growing into a wonderful, caring friendship that I hope will last the rest of my life and beyond.  That does make it difficult, however, to keep my status in perspective. It blurs the lines and leads me to a comfort level that may be crossing the lines a bit.  Some of those lines are merely annoying (I think she about had enough of me saying, "Really?" and "Seriously?" about anything that tweaked my ridiculous meter).  But, I managed to cross a major line before all was said and done.

And I've come to realize it was all due to pride. Specifically my pride in my appearance.  My reaction stemmed from a couple of experiences (one from a previous work visit and a couple from this trip) where I felt "less than" with the clothing that I had brought with me. It's really silly, actually, because there's no way on God's green earth that I'm ever going to be able dress at the level that my boss lady (or any of her friends and neighbors) dresses at.  Our finances are a stratosphere apart, to say the least.

     But, I do like to be appropriate. And prepared.

          In the instances I am referring to, I was not.

But, it didn't have to be such a big thing. I really blew it out of proportion.  And as I look at other experiences where I've been thrown unexpected curves, I now see that my cranky disposition is based, in a large part, on my pride.  I don't want to be seen as unprepared, lacking knowledge, or, in this case, apparel-ly challenged.

In my pride I got stubborn and refused an opportunity to spend some quality time with my boss/friend in an elegant setting. I took what was meant as a generous gesture toward me and gave it the heave ho because I wasn't dressed appropriately (and hadn't packed right for this eventuality...even though I knew better from my last trip). A double tweak to my ridiculously overblown pride.

Oh, goodness, I can just see Jesus looking askance at me right now. How can I lay my life down and serve others if I'm worried about how I look and whether my shoes match my pants and shirt? How can I take on the burden of others when I am busy carrying around my self absorption and worry about how I'm perceived by others?

Mark 8:33-35

New Living Translation (NLT)

 ³³ Jesus turned around and looked at his disciples, then reprimanded Peter. “Get away from me, Satan!” he said. “You are seeing things merely from a human point of view, not from God’s.”
 ³⁴ Then, calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. ³⁵ If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will save it.

The good news is, I am now aware of this little (i.e. HUGE) problem of mine.  It was hidden behind my earnest desire to please and my type "A" personality (hmmm...other things to work on?).  I'm praying for the Lord to help me. There are so many areas to explore and opportunities to serve others, if I will only lay down my need for appearing "all together."

It's not going to be easy, I must admit. I'm already going over what I'm going to wear to church tomorrow. I'm feeling a bit chubby this week and don't want to have muffin top. Which pants are going to make me look slimmer and hide my extra padding? Gah! I have such a long way to go!

Dear Lord - This was such a painful way to grow and learn something about myself this week. I really wish I could have learned this easily and without taking a step back in a relationship that I truly treasure.  I dearly would love to know why I must learn things the hard way. But, I am grateful that I do learn, eventually. It helps me grow closer to you...and that is always a good thing and my deepest heart's desire. I pray that you will help me look to you in the future and choose to follow you instead of my insecurities. After all, when my soul is clothed in your love and righteousness, what does it matter what I wear on the outside of this body? Please help me glow from the inside and shine with your light, Jesus. I love you. Amen.

Blessings and peace,

Leah